An Ode to Duct Tape

A couple days ago (12/15/23) I listened to an interview with Gen. Wesley Clark (retired) discussing the tragic loss of three Israeli hostages to “friendly” fire. After the inevitable words about how difficult it is to not screw up while in the middle of an active war zone, he went on to compare the trouble the Israeli soldiers have in identifying people on the ground to the similar challenges facing the Ukrainians in their conflict with the invading Russian troops.

He mentioned that the Ukrainian’s problems with battlefield identification are also very real (especially because both the good guys and the bad look the same and wear the same clothes). Gen. Clark went on to commend the Ukrainians for their novel solution that (hopefully) helps them sort out friend from foe: the good guys wear “hundred mile an hour tape” on their arms to indicate which side they are on.

I have little doubt that 99.373% of the listeners all had the same question: “What the hell is hundred mile an hour tape?”

This one is actually pretty straightforward, and further evidence that those who live off the land (and often far from any support facilities) are the most clever and resourceful people around. And a good thing, too: they have to be if they want to get home.

I first heard the expression “hundred mile an hour tape” in the late 1970s when I was working with a mob of guys from Alaska and northern Canada. They were describing — in exquisite detail — the challenges of working north of the Arctic Circle, where the only way in and out was (and often still is) by bush plane.

And I have no doubts that method of transport works — and likely beats the hell out of beating the hell out of your bones whilst trying to drive there over the permafrost! The bush pilots are the best (they have to be), and can land just about anywhere. But… it can be a real problem if the often cloth-covered aircraft develops a rip or a tear, or some other injury that affects the aerodynamics of the plane.

Well, this happened all too often, but fortunately the repairs were (and likely still are) simple: duct tape! As we all know, duct tape comes in two versions — actually, there are more than two in these days of modern times, but the original two will suffice for now: General Purpose (which will repair almost anything) and Professional Grade (when you need it to really stick, and then stay where you stuck it).

In the north country they gave these two varieties descriptive names that directly told the user what they were getting (and if their choice was right for the needed repair): if you had a wimpy plane that limped along at under a hundred miles per hour, General Purpose tape would do the trick. But, if you had a mover and shaker, you probably wanted two hundred mile an hour tape (a.k.a. Professional Grade).

A trio of images may help clarify the issue. But first, a bit of background:

I worked with exploration geologists who were heading into the bush in search of the critical resources we all need and want (even if we don’t realize we need and want them). But many brave souls attempt to get into the backs and beyonds for more mundane reasons. This includes wanna-be fishermen who are hoping to bag their limit in one of the many glacial lakes that dot the region.

Since there are no stores (or McDonald’s restaurants) in the boonies, they have to bring along everything they may need to have a successful experience: food and water, whiskey and beer, sleeping bags and toilet paper, beer and whiskey… everything. Even bait for their hooks.

Piecing together the following three images (and hoping to craft a good story), this is what may have happened to this particular group of intrepid anglers:

The total number of fisherpersons is unknown, but they arrived at their chosen watering hole well provisioned, and unloaded what they needed for the short term. The rest was apparently left in the plane in what they obviously assumed was a safe and secure cache. (At this point, Obie would surely remind us what “assume” means.)

Anyway, this overflow apparently included their bait. Sadly, it had enough of a smell to attract a bear that lived in the area. Well, rumor has it that bears are always hungry, and omnivores to boot (this means that they will eat anything… at any time). This first image is what was left of the plane after Yogi accessed the goodies inside the cargo hold.

Well damn, now what? The radio survived, so the pilot could call in for the necessary parts. Along with some replacement whiskey and beer (an assumption on my part, but a reasonable one), the pilot reportedly ordered two new tires… and three (3) cases of duct tape (not sure which quality, but I suspect the two hundred mile an hour version). This next image looks at the repairs after the main damage had been dealt with.

Three cases of duct tape may sound like a lot, but I imagine they used all of it (save a couple rolls held in reserve, just in case they had a problem on the trip home). One of the great things about duct tape is that it’ll stick to nearly anything, but especially to itself. You can just keep adding more until you get it right.

I’m not sure what happened to the spirits, but the taping looks professionally done, so I can only assume that the pilot had help with the excess fluids.

My source also doesn’t say what happened to the bear, or if the “Dude(s) of the Day” caught any fish. I’d like to think that the bear survived to eat another day (or at least another plane), and the lake still had some trout. I’d also like to think that they all made it safely back to civilization; possibly a little bit wiser about how to protect yourself and belongings from nature’s beasties…

…as well as the value of two hundred mile an hour tape!

So there you have it. Isn’t etymology a hoot?

One final note: While the original common names may have related to bush pilots and their planes, recent developments in the auto racing circuit have expanded the use of duct tape into that venue as well. The good news is that the same speed issues still dictate which quality of tape is needed for emergency repairs, so we don’t need to learn any new lingo.

(BTW: However did we survive before microwave ovens, drive-up coffee stands, ATM machines… or duct tape? Or is it duck tape? There is no way I am going to adjudicate the controversial spelling of this most important of commodities. The first relates to the tape’s use in the HVAC industry, while the other celebrates its water-repelling properties. To paraphrase a time-honored aphorism: you makes your choice and takes your chance…)